


Control

by Veeebles



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, But mostly angst, Control, Coping, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Hallucinations, Kink, Lots of Angst, Love, Medication, Mild BDSM, Smut, Terrible at tagging, The lodge, but porn also, deals with anxiety and panic attacks, eventual cuteness, josh calling sam sammy, veegan sam, with plot!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:19:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8500252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veeebles/pseuds/Veeebles
Summary: She stumbled and peered into the dark around her, the noise of their friends fading into the background as she ventured farther along the landing, hand trailing the railing with her. She was about to call out his name quietly when hands reached out from the shadows and pulled her back against a warm, solid thing. Hot breath was in her ear and a hand was covering her mouth but she knew it was him. “Sneaking around, Sammy?”She sighed in relief against the hand covering her mouth and relaxed against the all too familiar body behind her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So instead of writing my Dissertation for my Degree i'm writing this.  
> Wish i enjoyed academic writing as much as this stuff.  
> Enjoy! Please tell me what you think!

It started just a few months after the funeral of his sisters.

Sam had become a constant comfort in his life. It had started with him calling her in the middle of the night when his sister’s voices screamed at him until he woke sweating and sobbing. She always answered, no matter what time of the day or night it was or what she was doing she always answered his calls. Then – when being on the phone wasn’t enough, when his skin itched with the need to be near her, to see her face, hear her voice in person got too strong, he started going over to her house. The first time he had stayed on the phone with her all the walk over there and she only knew what he was doing when he told her to open her window and found him standing down on the grass of her lawn, hood pulled up over his head, tears down his face. After a few nights of this she gave him a key to her house and she woke almost every night to him pulling back her covers and slipping into the bed beside her. Sometimes his hand would find hers and they would sleep like that.

Then, months after that, when one night Hannah’s screaming was really bad, he turned abruptly in the bed and dragged her into his arms. Sam had got a fright at first but then relaxed when his hands were just holding her to him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I just need this, please.”

She nodded and just let him hold her. It was nice, really.

“You’re the only one who understands me.” He said it so quietly she could have missed it. Then he was snoring softly and she followed him into sleep.

Every night when he comes to her after that he slips into the covers and instantly wraps her up in his arms and they sleep the whole night tangled in each other. He tells her he doesn’t have any nightmares when she’s there.

Then there is one night when they both wake up flushed together. Sam feels so warm in his embrace, she’s nearly sweating. She tries to push him away, tried to allow some air between them or at least pull her pyjama top off to cool down a bit.

When her hands try to push Josh off he lets out a sleepy groan and his hands only tighten around her. His nose nuzzles into her neck and Sam shivers as he blows out a sigh against her skin.

“Mmph…Sam…” he grumbles, shushing her and stilling as he tries to sleep some more.

“Josh – too hot,” she grunts out and tries to push him again.

His head moves and his lips are against her cheek now, he kisses her, “too early….” He mumbles.

She tries to shove again but he’s too strong and his body is too heavy against her. He nuzzles against her neck and pulls her impossibly closer.

“Sammy...” he’s mumbling and suddenly she’s aware of how good it feels to have him wrapped all around her. Then he’s kissing her. Just a little kiss on her shoulder.  

She freezes and he’s moving again; nose nuzzling, moving higher, then his lips are against hers.

She freezes and lets out a small noise of surprise.

She feels his body stiffen and he pulls away. He’s awake now, eyes wide and scared and looking down at her, waiting for her to respond.

Sam wasn’t sure if she was still asleep but she leans up and presses her lips to his. It’s a lazy kiss; their mouths moving leisurely but unsure against each other. But it’s nice. Warm. Familiar.

He pulls away after a bit and just holds her close and falls back into an easy sleep. The next day they don’t talk about it. They don’t mention it for a good few weeks until one night he’s rolling over and she’s pressed beneath his warm body and he’s grinding down against her and she’s moaning and half asleep but his mouth finds hers and he’s all she cares about.

He groans when her tongue licks into his mouth and she’s wide awake now and he is too. He leans back and pulls his t shirt over his head and does the same for her and his mouth is everywhere and it just feels so good. It feels amazing to feel something that isn’t the sad, empty grief that was left behind by his sisters.

She knows he feels the same, he tells her with his whispers in her ear.

Things change after that. More often than not when he comes to her bed he doesn’t pull the covers away to climb in and go to sleep. He pulls them away to find her bare beneath and his lips attach themselves to every inch of her he can reach and they lose themselves in each other and can forget about how broken they are just for these few hours.

Then it moves from those nightly visits to him staying longer in the morning to wake her up with his mouth between her legs. Or wash her body in the shower and press her against the cold bathroom tiles while he drives in and out of her.

She loves it, loves every second of it. She hasn’t felt this alive in so long.

 

 

V

 

 

He likes the control, he tells her. When his entire life seemed to be falling apart and he can’t control the tears that stream from his eyes or his knuckles smashing against the nearest wall, he has her.

She’s always so willing to do whatever he wants. She loves it as much as he does. Where he feels the need to control, she feels the need to let go. It’s exhausting to always be the leader, the mother, the one who always has a plan B, C and D. With him she can just relax and follow his commands and feel so damn good she doesn’t even remember feeling any other way.

 

 

V

 

 

She lays back in the bed and smirks up at him.

This is something knew for them both.

He very gently secures her wrists in the leather of one cuff, attached to one side of the bed and moves to her other, wrapping it up the same way, tugging at the metal to make sure she’s secure.

She just lays there, ready for whatever he wants to do to her.

She trusted him so completely.

And that was so beautiful.

He sits back and smiles at her.

He wants to drag this out. This is the first time since his nightly visits he’s actually been able to see her. He’s so used to them both being wrapped up together under her covers, in the dark. But today, her parents are out all day and they both have nowhere else to be.

And when she suggested the handcuffs he was all too eager to try.

So she was now naked before him, arms tied above her head and completely at his mercy.

There was something about having that control that made him feel drunk.

His eyes couldn’t stop moving all over her. Her skin; so pale and soft and unblemished. His hands follow his eyes and he revels in the feeling of her. She’s like the snow on that mountain. Her body is incredible, she’s completely perfect, every dip and curve in the right place, her breasts moving up and down with her breaths. Her legs long and sculpted by the muscles she has gained over the years from her hikes and her climbing and her yoga and her gymnastics and whatever sporty shit she’s always got going on.

Her eyes are watching him, blonde hair splayed out on the pillow behind her like a halo. She’s smiling but he’s seen her apprehension in her eyes. She’s shy – scared, even. This is a first for both of them.

His fingers continue their trail across her skin. He likes the slope of her neck and how she shudders when he trails past those hollow parts. The skin on her arms raise goose bumps as he glides down and then back up them. He continued down the valley of her breast and down her stomach and by now she’s squirming and jumping and breathing deeper.

He continues down one silky leg then back up, then down the other and now she’s pulling on her restraints, whimpering softly, little noises that go straight to his groin.

“Josh…please…”

He moves up her thighs and pushing them apart, thumbs caressing the silky skin and he moves lower. He licks a stripe up her entrance to her clit and god, he loved how her thighs tremble and she moans around the lip she bites when he does this. He dips his tongue in and out of her, revelling in how sweet she tastes, all the while listening eagerly to her little noises.

She’s never been this vocal before – he figures it’s because her parents are not around to hear them for once. His tongue laps at her faster and he adds one finger, then two, and he curves them up, finding that little soft spot in her and she’s moaning and moaning and he has to grind down on the mattress to relieve himself because her smell, her taste, the sound of her is driving him mad.

Her arms are pulling at the handcuffs and she’s arching up off the bed. He speeds up his fingers, rubbing her clit over and over with the flat of his tongue and her noises are getting louder and he glances up and fuck she’s fucking beautiful like this.

He feels her tighten and pulse around his fingers and she’s coming, moaning out his name in a way that he never wants to stop hearing. Her hips buck wildly and he licks at her until she jerks away from his mouth, too sensitive.

He sits back and watches her gasp and pant, eyes hooded and watching him lick at the fingers he had inside her.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and crawls back up her body, kissing her waiting mouth. She tastes herself on his tongue and _fuck, Sammy are you trying to kill me?_

He pulls away only to reach up and release her from the restraint, rubbing her pink wrists and pulling her into his arms. His pleasure can wait, for now, he just wants to hold her, make sure she’s okay.

Her legs are twitching and he can hear her heart still hammering away beneath her skin but she’s smiling and nuzzling his neck.

Then he’s getting pushed onto his back and she’s grinning at him like some kind of demon and she shuffles down his body. He watches her pick his cock up from where it’s pulsing against his stomach and his mind goes deliciously blank when her mouth encases him and her tongue licks at his tip.

_She was definitely trying to kill him._

 

 

V

 

 

They start to struggle to keep their antics in the bedroom.

Josh started getting better and better and they started hanging out with everyone again. But he only went if Sam was there.

The first gathering after they first start their…sleepovers…is at Emily’s house for a game night. They’re just sitting round drinking and eating pizza and playing some board games.

At one point during a game of cards between Chris and Mike, Sam is standing behind Chris laughing. Josh, having been away from Sam’s side for longer than 5 minutes, feels the need to be close to her again. He goes and stands behind her and Ashley and Emily join them, interested in how the game plays out.

But he’s more interested in the curve of Sam’s neck and the little blonde hairs that fall out of her bun to brush against her skin. He’s transfixed with how silky her skin looks and he smiles to himself because instead of wondering how it would feel to kiss and bite that part of her he _knows_ , he knows how it feels.

He reaches out and discretely, while no one is paying him any attention, trails a finger down the line of her spine and he smiles slightly when she instantly leans into his touch.

He dares to step closer to her and trails his fingers across the small of her back to cup her hip. He hums softly so just she can hear and leans closer, pretending he’s just straining to look at Chris’ cards.

When he dares move even closer to brush his groin against her ass she moves away, calling out loudly to Ash and Jess if they want drinks.

He grins at her reaction. It’s fun to make her squirm like that. And he’s semi hard in his jeans at the thought of being intimate with her among their friends – right under their noses and they have no idea.

He promises to explore this more.

His next opportunity comes sooner than expected.

The next night they are sitting at the table with Sam’s parents. They are nice people and love Sam very dearly. But really, he thinks to himself, who wouldn’t love Sam?

They have been so kind to him – he practically lives here by now and where they are not stupid and must know about his nightly activities with their daughter, they never treat him differently. If anything, Sam’s mum seems to smile wider at him and invites him over any second he isn’t there.

Sam’s cooked up a real treat. It’s some Indian style curry which (of course) is piled with vegetables and not a morsel of meat. Josh loves his meat but he has to admit, Sammy can cook and it tastes amazing.

When he’s eaten his fill he leans back in his chair, stretching his legs out beneath the table and colliding with Sammy’s legs beside him.

That gives him an idea.

He glances at her parents who are both engrossed in their meals, discussing some drama that happened in her Father’s work – paying absolutely no mind to either of them. Sam is still slowly eating her food, sipping at her glass of juice every so often.

He concentrates on keeping his face blank, holding his fork in one hand, pretending he his still eating, while the other hands slips under the table and over to his left.

She jumps a little when his fingers find her thigh but quickly schools her expression, glancing at her parents, not daring to look at him.

Under the table, his fingers find her bare knee. He thumbs along the line of her knee-high socks and moves up towards the hem of her little plaid skirt.

His eyes darted around the table, relieved when everyone Is still paying them no mind.

He chances a glance at her and she is sitting up straight, eyes forward, expression nonchalant but her lips are parted and her breathing uneven and he had to stop himself from grinning when his eye found her hand holding her fork in a death grip so her knuckles were all white.

He took another bite of his food and moved his hand higher, higher, pushing her skirt away until he found the apex of the thighs. He chews slowly as he moves along the line of her underwear and dips down between her legs to that lovely heat.

Her legs move together, trying to halt his administrations but he still manages to caress the fabric of her panties just where he had his mouth this morning. Her thighs tremble and he grins, despite himself to find the fabric wet and hot.

She’s enjoying this as much as he is.

He chuckles under his breath and she huffs, quickly pushing him away and standing, pretending to clear away her half eaten plate.

Her lovely parents are still completely unaware and she throws a dirty look over her shoulder at him, cheeks red and eyes full of fire. He had to concentrate on no laughing at how he had ruffled this angry little bird’s feathers.

That was definitely something he needed to explore in depth.

 

 

V

 

 

 

It’s a year after their disappearance that Josh invites everyone back up to the loge.

He runs his idea by Sam first, explaining that his time with her really had helped him and he felt that what he now needed was some closure – a final goodbye to his sisters and the reminder that life goes on and he and his friends were all still here.

She agrees and so does everyone else. They all make their own ways up and he’s surprised when everything falls back into normal. It’s as if nothing happened though at the same time Beth and Hannah’s absences ring out like a faraway bell toll.

But he has Sammy with him, so he’s okay.

They’re still hiding their – whatever they are doing – from everyone. It’s something they haven’t really discussed. What are they? Are they an item? How long would this go on?

Josh knew he had to talk to her about it. But he was enjoying the secrecy so much right now. One of his absolute favourite things was watching Sam get all hot and flustered when he secretly teased her in front of people. He loved getting her worked up at parties then getting pulled into a bathroom later on and her body colliding with him as she bit and clawed at him and demanded a relief to his slow torture.

The first night they were there everyone was pretty beat after the journey up so they all turned in pretty early. He had his own room and Sam usually shared with Hannah and Ashley. His chest ached watching her get pulled along to Hannah’ old room by Ashley and he had tossed and turned in his cold, empty bed for a good few hours, his sisters' voices screaming in his head and sleep eluding him.

When his bedroom door cracked open his heart nearly leapt out his chest but he couldn’t explain the relief he felt when it was Sam creeping over, crawling under the covers with him, wiping away his tears and holding him against her body, whispering her little words of comfort and making him feel a million time better.

He slept against her breast, sound as a baby after that, too tired to even dream and it was just after dawn when he woke to see her creeping back out to her bed with Ashley.

It scared him a little, how much he really needed her.

The next night they were all hanging out in the living room, playing games, watching tv, having a few drinks and just being in everyone’s company.

She sat across from him and he felt that his body was thrumming with the need to be near her. He hadn’t touched her in almost three hours now – yes, he was counting – and he was getting restless. Matt was trying to explain the rules of the game they were playing to him but his eyes were darting too much to Sam any time she moved, or laughed or spoke or even fucking breathed.

His arms felt heavy and useless at his sides, like he didn’t quite know what to do with them. Another half an hour later and he had to get up, needed to walk, if he couldn’t be near Sam he needed a breather needed a distraction.

He told them he was going up to his bed to lie down for a bit. Everyone still concerned about him didn’t think twice about this, everyone bidding him a good rest blah blah blah.

His eyes found Sam’s and he tried with all his might to convey to her what he wanted.

Upstairs. ASAP. Need you. This is killing me.

He went to the stair and headed up to the first floor landing, hidden in the shadows as he gripped the railing and watching the group below him.

Sam was laughing again and he knew she was just looking for the opportunity to follow him without raising suspicion.

Was she feeling the way he was? Did she crave him like he did her? Probably not. Who would want him like this? Broken up mess that he was. She was just so nice. She would always answer him when he needed.

 

 

V

 

 

It was 45 minutes or so until Sam gauged it safe enough to move. She excused herself, telling everyone she was going for her bath which of course no one questioned. Chris even laughed, teasing her about her baths, saying she must love them more than she loves her friends.

She tried not to take the stairs two at a time, wanting to appear tired or nonchalant, not at all how she was really feeling; that she wanted to sprint upstairs and find Josh and kiss the mouth off him.

She stumbled and peered into the dark around her, the noise of their friends fading into the background as she ventured farther along the landing, hand trailing the railing with her.

She was about to call out his name quietly when hands reached out from the shadows and pulled her back against a warm, solid thing. Hot breath was in her ear and a hand was covering her mouth but she knew it was him.

“Sneaking around, Sammy?”

She sighed in relief against the hand covering her mouth and relaxed against the all too familiar body behind her.

He released her mouth but kept his hands around her waist, peppering her neck with kisses, breathing in the smell of her, feeling his body and mind calm now that she was back where he needed her to be.

“Me sneaking? Never, I was just going for a nice relaxing bath and now suddenly I’m being attacked by some creep!”

He laughed at her and nuzzled her hair, hands roaming down her hips, turning her to face him.

There was that smiling face. Those trusting eyes. That lovely mouth.

He kissed her softly and he couldn’t help the sigh of relief at having her in his arms again.

He felt her tongue lick along his bottom lip and he opened his mouth, granting her access. She licked over his teeth, she sucked on his tongue and he ground against her, backing her up against the railings. Her fingers were tugging at his hair and it sent jolts of electricity right to his groin. Then her lips were on his neck and her nails were scraping his scalp and he was losing all willpower fast. He need to get her into his bed before anyone downstairs saw or even heard them.

_Or do I?_

He broke the kiss and spun her round so her back was pressed against his chest. From where they stood they could see Ashley and Matt sitting on one couch, Jess on a seat beside them. They were the only ones in direct view. If any of them raised their eyes into the upper floor of the house they would see them. They could get caught at any moment.

“Look at them; completely unaware. They don’t know a thing. They don’t know what I do to you. They don’t know how I make you feel. How you sound when you moan my name when I’m licking you. What would they say if they knew the always confident, head strong Samantha was just last night begging me for my cock? How sexy you looked with me in your mouth.”

He knew exactly what he was doing. And he knew it was working. Her neck was flushed and her breathing was slow and her hips twitched at his words.

He licked his teeth, grinning and moved closer, biting at her earlobe and whispering at her neck, delighting in her shiver when his lips touched her sensitive skin and he blew out a breath.

“They could look up at any moment. Just one look and they all would know. What would they do if they saw you like this? The always in control Samantha, gasping and whining for me?”

He leaned forward and bit down on that little bit at the back of her neck he loved. She keened and leaned back into the gesture. He heard her moaning softly – trying her hardest to keep quiet.

“Josh…”

He closed his eyes and sucked hard on that spot, hearing her moaning his name was something he would always need. It was perfection.

He sucked at that bit again and again, gripping her hips as she moaned more and more, just under her breath so only he could hear her. He pulled her ass against him and ground his hardness into her.

Her hand came up to the back of his head, tugging his hair, grinding back against him, wanton and lovely and _his._

When he pulled away he grinned wide at the purple mark he left behind.

He dared to roam lower, lifter her little plaid skirt and trailed his fingers down the curve of one of her cheeks, feeling the swell and dip of her curves. He hooked his finger into her thong and tugged it down her legs, letting it fall at her feet. She stepped out of it but otherwise stayed still, letting him do what he liked.

His fingers trailed down her stomach, lifting the hem of her skirt just enough to disappear underneath. He dipped into her wet heat so now he was touching her like she would herself. How many times has he pictured her like that? Fingers trailing down her stomach to slip into herself, groaning and naked on her bed, thinking of him, moaning his name. She blew out a breath and stood with her legs further apart, allowing him as much access as she could.

Her obedience thrilled and Josh chuckled when more of her wet heat coated his fingers as he teased them back and forth. He moved forwards and brushed against her clit and she was biting her lip and whimpering and bucking into the feeling, her hands gripping the railing in front of her like she was going to rip it out of the floor.

He buried his face into that blonde hair and his fingers moved in lazy circles around her clit. Her hips were moving back and forth at a steady pace against him. His kissed her hair, her neck, her shoulder, feeling her pulse around his fingers when he found her sensitive spots.

He pulled his fingers away and fumbled with his jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them, shimmying them down his hips and pulling out his aching cock.

Her hand came around behind her and he was surprised for a moment then he was back to panting in her ear when she gripped him and leaned forwards slightly, pulling his head to her entrance and teasingly dragging him back and forwards through her wet heat.

“Oh, God, Sammy,” he gritted out, bucking into the feeling, biting down on her shoulder to supress his groans, “You’re killing me, here.”

He heard her giggle under her breath and she released her grip on him, hands back on the railing, leaning forwards and he slid himself into her slowly.

He sighed against her ear when he was fully sheathed inside her and he felt her twitching and pulsing around him, her legs trembling and her breathing coming out in little gasps as she got used to him inside her.

“Sammy you feel so good,” he whispered in her ear, kissing her temple as he concentrated on staying still while she adjusted to his size.

Then she was moving, bouncing back and forwards in little drags and pulls that were driving him out of his mind. She was so tight like this, he could feel all of her and watching that perk little ass bounce against his hipbones as she moved had him digging his nails into her skin.

He moved with her, they kept it at a steady pace but oh god this was amazing, the pleasure was dragged out and they were both trying not to make any noise but fuck it was difficult when she felt so damn good.

He glanced down at their friends still obliviously watching the TV and chanced moving faster, thrusting himself deeper in her and his hand flew up to cover her mouth when she let out a short, high moan at the feeling.

They froze, him twitching and pulsing in her, both their eyes watching their friends. Only Ashely moved, looking behind her and frowning but seemingly passing what she heard off as some animal outside and returning her attention to the TV, laughing at something Chris said to her.

He waited a beat, before moving, returning to that slow drag that had her making those lovely little noises.

She bounced back on him, edging him faster and deeper and between this and the thrill of being caught any second and just Sam, he wasn’t going to last much longer.

“I want you to moan, Sammy,” he rasped into her ear, pulling her hair into one hand and tilting her head back against his shoulder,” I want them to hear you.”

Sam wasn’t sure what happened. Probably a mix between the thrill of nearly getting caught, the way Josh just knew how and what made her tick, or maybe it was just a good release from the tension of being back here that she could return to this constant with Josh but everything was building up so fast.

Josh was panting in her ear, hands around her, him moving inside her just right, his words, his smell, everything about him just built her up and up until she was falling over the edge.

This time both Ashley and Matt heard them, both suddenly looking up into the dark upper floor. Ashley’s gaze trailed along the landing and just before her gaze found them in their compromising station, Josh backed up, pulling Sam with him, his back hitting the wall as they stumbled – him still inside her.

They waited god knows how long, his hand clamped over her mouth, her gasping and whimpering around it, him panting into her hair. When they heard everyone resume their chatter downstairs they relaxed. He pulled out of her and tucked himself away, not caring about his mess right now. He felt her shiver as he dripped down her thighs and she leaned back against his chest, sagging against his arms holding her up.

“That was a close one,” she whispered, her voice lazy and smiling.

Josh chuckled, stroking her hair, tucking it behind her ear.

“Maybe next time I should gag you,” he joked.

She was quiet for a bit, her breathing slowing and he heart rate returning to a normal pace as her afterglow passed.

“Do you think we will ever tell them?” she asked quietly.

“Tell them what?”

“About us, so we’re not always sneaking around all the time, you know?”

Josh felt his heart speed up, the panic setting in a bit. If others knew about them, it would all be real wouldn’t it? It wouldn’t just be him and Sam – it would be him, Sam and all their friends and families and all the world. He didn’t want that. He wanted things to stay the same. He liked the fun of it. He liked being in control.

He would mess this up. Just like Hannah and Beth whispered to him at night. Sam was too good for him. She was a little bird flitting from tree to tree high above him, and he was a dog trying to catch her. He was too messed up. Too damaged. Too tainted for the likes of her. Having what he had with her was already enough and he dared to consider more? She deserved to be with someone better. Someone like Mike. He was strong and handsome and undamaged. He had always known that what he had with Sam would only be temporary but it had been his own selfishness that refused to let her go.

He didn’t want to hurt her more than he probably had. But he knew it was better for her this way.

“There’s nothing to tell them.”

He swore his blood turned to ice at her silence. His heart sped up and he felt sick with every second that passed.

“Sammy?” he asked gently when she didn’t stir for a full minute, “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Josh.” She said. He could hear the strain in her voice. She moved, releasing herself from his embrace and stood up. She picked up her thong from the floor and fixed her skirt, her back to him the entire time.

“I’m going to go for my bath, now. I’ll see you later.”

And with that she was gone, disappeared behind the bathroom door. He heard the lock click and his stomach sank.

He was cold without her in his arms.

 

 

 

V

 

 

 

He got worse than ever after that.

Sam stopped answering his calls. When he went to her house she was never there. If he ever went to one of their friend’s get-togethers she would barely even look at him, spent most of her time with Mike or Ashley.

After a while he stopped going all together.

Without her he was losing it all over again. Beth and Hannah came back at night, this time they didn’t just scream at him for not saving them, but they told him how worthless he was; that even Sammy didn’t want him.

He stopped remembering to take his pills – she was always the one to hand them to him with a glass of water.

His house was cold and empty without her. His bed was too big and the covers strangled and suffocated him in the night. Everything around him was dull. He didn’t have interest in anything anymore. He spent most of his days sitting in the dark with Hannah and Beth’s voices taunting him, reminding him how worthless he was. That Sam probably wasn’t even thinking about him That she was probably glad to be rid of the burden of him.

Chris alone tried to convince him to come out. Tried to come over and get him to talk. A month after they had went to the lodge he had knocked on Josh’s door. Now he sat with him in the dark, empty room.

“Come on, man, you can’t keep hiding yourself away like this,” He implored, watching Josh lie with his hood over his head, eyes closed, staring up at the celling, lips moving constantly as he muttered quietly to those only he could hear.

“I don’t want to go out,” was all he managed to say.

“Josh, come on, bro. You were doing so good, what happened to you?”

He wouldn’t tell. He wouldn’t do that to Sam.

“Just leave me, please.”

Chris looked at him in silence for a long time. Just before Josh was about to yell at him to get the hell out and leave him alone, he sighed and stood up. He left without a word, just patted Josh on the shoulder and shut the door behind him on the way out.

Weeks passed after that and Josh ignored Chris who called every so often, then every other day, then not at all.

Josh knew he was being an ass. He knew Chris was being a good friend and just wanted to help, but he couldn’t. He just wasn’t what he wanted. What he needed. He wasn’t Sam.

Sam who always knew what to say Who knew what was going on in his head without him needing to explain. Sam who loved his sisters just as much and felt just as empty without them. Sam who had been his shining light from the first day Hannah pulled her through the front door all those years ago. Sam who had held him when he cried, wiped his tears away, let him clutch to her as he drifted off to sleep and was still there when he woke up. Sam who had kissed him, touched him, let him move and bend her to his will. Sam who had given him that wonderful control when everything else was slipping away. Sam who he trusted with his darkest little secrets.

But he had drove her away. Fucked it up just like he knew he would. And now Sammy was gone. The one good thing he had left in his pathetic life and he had treated her so badly. And she probably hated him now. He might never see her again.

He felt the panic rising in him like a bubble in his chest. The room swooped and his stomach lurched and his head was spinning. He needed out of here. This room was too small. There was no air in it. He couldn’t breathe.

Couldn’t breathe.

His chest hurt.

Everything was going black.

He was alone.

Hannah and Beth chanted their cruel words, echoing around the darkening room.

He felt hot and sweaty and cold and clammy at the same time.

Hands gripped his shoulders and he yelped in fright.

“You’re okay, Josh.”

That voice.

“Look at me.”

It couldn’t be.

“That’s it, Josh, just keep looking at me.”

She didn’t want him. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

There’s no air in this room.

“Breathe with me, okay?”

His eyes watched her mouth; she breathed in a long, deep breath and he copied her without really knowing it. He felt air filling his lungs. She exhaled slowly and he followed suit. In again…back out…in…out…in…out…

He felt better, His vision cleared. He realised his nails were digging into his skin and he unclenched his fists. Her hands were rubbing up and down his arms.

His heart slowed. The room stopped spinning. He could breathe again.

With every rub up and down of her hands on his arms he felt his panic subside.

He looked into those green eyes. Sam was here, really here.

She looked awful. Her eyes were pink and there were dark bags under them like she hadn’t slept in days. She was pale and her hair was shoved up in a messy manner on top of her head.  

“Sammy?” his voice was horribly rough after days of not using it other than screaming in his sleep.

She was smiling a little sad smile. He didn’t like it. He didn’t want Sammy to ever be sad.

“Hey, Josh,” she whispered, sitting back, her hands fumbling in her lap like she wasn’t sure what to do with them, “you look terrible.”

He laughed and it surprised them both.

“You look amazing too, Sammy,” he croaked out.

She was smiling all sad again.

“Have you eaten?”

He shook his head. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had properly eaten anything.

She frowned, “and you haven’t been taking your meds?”

Another shake of his head.

She sighed, handing him his pills and a glass of water.

“Okay, take them, I’m going to go make you some food.”

Then she was up and moving to the kitchen, a shopping bad in hand with the logo of the market she got all her vegan food and recipes from.

He swallowed down the pills quickly and got up to follow her, scared that once she disappeared from his sight she would stop existing.

“Sam! Wait!”

She turned around to face him. Those sad eyes. That sad face. She was skinnier. She wore a big black hoodie, the sleeves pulled down over her hands. She looked so small in it, so unsure. So not like his Sam.

He wanted to hold her; wrap her up in his arms and make her smile again.

“What is it, Josh?”

His mouth opened but no words came out. What was he supposed to say? I’m sorry? I miss you? I love you?

I love you…

She sighed at his silence and blank stare.

“Look, go take a shower, I’ll start making the food and you just…we’ll talk later, okay?”

She gave him that sad smile again and went into the kitchen. He heard her moving about, grabbing pans and ingredients, emptying her shopping bag.

He stayed where he stood for a few minutes longer, just listening to her in the kitchen. When he heard the crackle of food in a pan he turned and went to the bathroom. He showered quick, quicker than he had ever done in his life. When he cam back out he dried quickly, changing into a fresh pair of joggers, t shirt and hoodie that he found folded neatly just outside the bathroom door.

When he returned to the living room the curtains had been opened and the dim evening light filtered into the room. Some of his mess had been cleared away, the coffee table was set for two.

He sat down on the couch, fidgeting at how awkward he felt. Sam appeared, holding two plates heavy with food. She smiled weakly when she neared him, setting the food down in front of him.

“Make sure you eat it all.”

His stomach growled at the smell and he was wolfing it down in seconds, ignoring the burn as the hot food got shovelled into his mouth.  

He sat silently and waited for Sam to finish her meal. She always ate slowly. She always said she preferred to savour the taste than eat it fast. He smiled at the memory of teasing her about that.

She was silent when she finished, took a long drink from her glass of water than just sat there, staring at the floor.

He should say something.

She cleared her throat and stood, picking up both their plates and took them into the kitchen.

Anxiety pumped though him all the while she was away. He heard the tap run, heard her wash and dry and put the dishes away. He heard her spray the surfaces, wipe them down. He knew she was stalling. Maybe she didn’t want to speak to him.

When she re appeared in the doorway Josh was clenching and unclenching his hands.

She stood there, watching him for a bit. He kept his eyes fixed on the floor.

She sighed again, walking past him and picking up her handbag.

“I’m going.”

She stormed past him, heading to the hallway. Would this be the last time? Why did she come here? Did she feel sorry for him then after seeing him in this pathetic state she realised he was not worth her time?

How had things gone so wrong so fast?

His hand lashed out and grabbed onto the sleeve of her hoodie. She stayed where she was but didn’t turn around to face him.

“Let me go, Josh,” her voice was low and steely. He had never heard her sound this angry.

His fingers tightened.

“Josh, I’m being serous, let me go. This isn’t funny. I don’t know why I even came.”

“Sammy…please…” his voice was less than a whisper.

She wrenched her sleeve out of his grip and spun to face him, tears reddening her eyes, a flush of red across her cheeks. She looked so pretty like this.

“Look Josh, I don’t get you. I don’t know what the hell you want from me.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said weakly.

“Why?” he flinched at how she spat that word out.

“I…I…don’t know.”

Yes, he did. He knew fine well why he couldn’t just let her walk away. But he was too scared to say it.

 She sighed and rubbed her eyes with her hand, pushing them into her skull like she wanted to forget how to see.

“Josh, I can’t do this. It’s too hard.”

His hands were starting to shake slightly. That all too familiar panic rising in him. At least with her here Hannah and Beth were quiet.

She sniffed and Josh was shocked to see she was crying. She was biting hr lip, jaw tense as she fought against her sobs. Tears fell fast down her face, she stayed facing away from him.

“I thought we were good. I though…I thought that maybe you wanted to be with me. I mean really be with me. What we…what we shared was real, Josh. I have never felt that way before. And it’s not just some coping mechanism – not anymore.”

Those watery eyes found his and his chest was aching, “I guess I was wrong,” she laughed harshly; a scoff and she wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

She went to leave again, this time both his hands clung to her, dragging her back against him. He shook but he held her as close as he could. She stood with her arms limp by her sides, staring off in front of her, little breathy sobs escaping her. His hands balled into the fabric of her hoodie and he closed his eyes as he breathed in the smell of her hair, feeling it calm him.

“I can’t give you what you want, Sammy. I wish – God, I wish I could. But I can’t because I’m too…I’m too...damaged. I’m no good for you, Sammy. I can’t give you what you deserve. I’m not easy, I’m not good. I can only bring you tears and fear because that is all I am.”

“Josh, do you think I care about that? Don’t you think I know what you are like? Josh I’ve seen you at your best and I’ve seen you at your worse and I love you for both!”

He froze.

She did too.

Seconds beat past feeling like hours. He stared at the back of her head in shock. She was shaking a little too.

When she turned she did it slowly, those eyes finding him cautiously. When she read the fear and confusion in his face she huffed, rubbing the tears off her face and nearly shouted at him.

“I’m in love with you, asshole! And I’d rather have you; damaged or not.”

His eyes searched her face but he could see no sign of a lie. All this time, he had thought it was his own selfish desire that had kept him bound to her, and that she simply pitied him so let him use her how he wanted because it was Sammy She was always looking out for him Always doing all she could to help him.

He kissed her hard and words couldn’t explain how much he had needed that.

She sobbed against his lips but kissed him back. They clashed together, hands clawing at each other, holding each other as close as they could. They stumbled and he managed to press her against a wall and deepened the kiss. She moaned softly and he felt the little shards that once made him up come together slowly.

His hands came down to her thighs and he lifted her, smiling when her legs wrapped around his waist like she used to do. She was so damn light. He carried her to his room and lay her down gently on his bed. He broke the kiss and for a moment was scared to open his eyes in case this was all a cruel hallucination.

She was lying there, smiling that sad smile again, but her eyes were alive now. Her hands came up and pulled him down on top of her. She slipped her tongue into his mouth and her fingers rubbed slow, relaxing circles into his hair.

This was different. It wasn’t teasing. It wasn’t about control.

It was completely innocent. He just wanted to feel her. Just wanted to be near to her again. He just wanted to be wrapped up in her arms and her smell. Fall asleep as she ran her fingers across his skin.

There were no eyes watching them anymore. There was no one to hide from now. It was just them.

This time he felt it - or rather he allowed himself to.

His chest was warm and it felt ready to burst every time he pulled back and looked at her face. She was smiling and her eyes were full of so much love he couldn’t bear it. She was so good. Far too good for the likes of him.

She kissed his temple and he settled down against her chest. She pulled the covers up and over them and her hands traced across his skin. She breathed slowly and the gentle rise and fall of her chest against his cheek was quickly lulling him to a much needed sleep.

“Sammy, I really do love you.”

Love. It was such a silly word to him. So small. How could he find a way to describe how much she meant to him? Love was not enough.

I adore you. I live for you. Every breath my miserable body takes is for you.

Still not enough.

How could he explain how she made him feel? So unbelievably happy he didn’t think it was possible. How could he describe how his very soul vibrates with warmth just from her smile. How when she touched him, kissed him, it was like a burn being doused in ice cold water She soothed him, healed him, fixed him.

She was everything.

“I love you too, Josh.”

He nuzzled against her neck, delighting in her giggle.

“Stay with me, Sammy, please don’t ever leave again.”

She kissed him again, “I won’t.”

He sagged against her and slept without dreams, without screaming voices, without horrible visions, without the knowing guilt. He slept soundly with her against him the whole night long.

And when he awoke the next morning, she was there to greet him with a kiss and a smile.


End file.
